


Everything's Fine

by fantasiesdreaming



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: ALL THE GOOD STUFF, Angst, Denial, Mental Health Issues, Steven Universe Future, i mean hes ok now i guess but, poor bby, rip steven, that was such a long buildup of angst, this fic is poor bbys thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:53:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23823385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fantasiesdreaming/pseuds/fantasiesdreaming
Summary: The progression of Steven's thoughts from sometime after Prickly Pear to I Am My Monster.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 34





	Everything's Fine

**Author's Note:**

> This show is - was? :'''( - incredible. Rebecca is incredible. I just... wow.
> 
> Anyway, here's the progression of Steven's thoughts from after Prickly Pear to I Am My Monster. This show suddenly turned into Angst Galore TM and I am Here For It.

_I’m fine I’m fine I’m fine I’m fine I’m-_

“Steven!”

Steven is abruptly brought back to the living room. Pearl stands by the table near him, spoon in hand. “I was asking if you wanted to try this before Amethyst… _gets_ to it.” She waves the spoon towards the bowl of custard that sits on the kitchen table.

“Oh. Right. No, I’m good. Thanks, Pearl!” he replies, trying to inflect some positivity into it that he doesn’t quite feel. _There’s no need to sound so chipper_ , he chides himself. _What am I compensating for? I’m fine!_

“A-alright,” she says, before tentatively adding, “Steven, are you… is anything going on?”

“What? What do you mean?” _I’m fine._

“You just… er…” Pearl looks away for a split second before continuing. “You’ve just seemed quite… preoccupied these last few weeks. I know that you already tried taking a break from managing Little Homeschool, but perhaps there’s another step you could take to lessen your stress?” Her big, caring eyes search Steven’s face for an answer to the growing problem they can both feel but can’t quite name.

“I’m not- I’m not _stressed_ , Pearl, I’ve just… been…” _If I’m not stressed, how can I explain the low, constant ache I feel all the time? How can I explain the growing pit I feel in my stomach for no reason? How can I explain-_

“I’ve been helping Connie with college prep! There’s just a lot going on for her. I hope she’s doing ok.” The lie comes easily, too easily, without him even needing to think. It does the job, though, and Pearl visibly relaxes as her face breaks into a relieved smile. This was known territory: Steven spreading himself too thin in helping others too much. This she knew.

“Oh, Steven, I’m sure she’ll be fine. She’s Connie! It won’t do to stress yourself over her college prep – I’m sure she can handle it.”

Steven smiles, a mechanical gesture. “Yeah,” he agrees. “She doesn’t need me to worry.” _Connie needs me though, right? At least Connie. Please._

* * *

He’s punching Jasper with everything he’s got and he’s finally free! Nothing is holding him back. _Nothing._ He feels so light and airy, a complete 180 from the heavy weight he’d been dragging around with him for the last month. The gems couldn’t help him. His dad sure couldn’t, and he’d been stupid to think that he might understand. No, the only one who was able to help him, after all those years, was _Jasper_ , of all people – well, of all gems. She clearly knew what she was talking about. He could get used to this rush coursing through his veins. Everything was happening so fast, so moment-to-moment, compared to the days before that had stretched on for what had felt like eons each. Right now, everything felt electrifying. Everything felt _good. He_ felt good for the first time in ages, and all he had had to do was let go.

What had been the point of spending all that time trying to talk and understand when he could have been feeling like _this_ all this time? What was the point of spending so much time staying weak and _pathetic_ when he could have been strong, _invincible,_ safe from all those feelings and problems and thoughts that had kept trying to drag him down into the dirt? He had spent so much time begging and pleading when he could have been _fighting,_ and now that he’s fighting he doesn’t want to stop. He never wants to stop feeling this free. He never wants to stop letting his power out. He _never_ wants to hold himself back again-

* * *

As he numbly steps out of the bathroom behind Jasper’s towering shadow, hardly aware of the gems’ cries of confusion when she steps out into their living room, his feet start moving of their own accord to the warp pad in the greenhouse. He can’t hear the thunder and rain outside; he isn’t processing anything the gems are asking him; he doesn’t see anything until the glint of the warp pad pulls him back to his reality.

What is this reality?

What had he just done?

His mind catches up to his body, and he realizes there is only one place he can go for answers. He’s been avoiding them for so long – why? They are the Diamonds, and he is a Diamond – _he is a shatterer_ – and they are the only ones who can help him get his powers under control.

_He had liked letting go of his control._ _He had marveled at the feeling of letting go of the tight grasp he had on his emotions, and he had been high on that feeling as he had shatter-_

He walks into the throne room and sees Spinel, who, after only a brief uncomfortable exchange, takes him first to see Yellow, and then Blue. But part of him knows even before he speaks to each of them that they aren’t the ones who can help him. No. If anyone can help him get a grip on himself, it’ll be White.

So why does he still hope against all reason that he won’t need to see her?

He feels himself tense up unintentionally the moment he walks into her chamber. As she talks, he finds himself not paying attention. _Look at her, acting all generous and regal like she’s a gift to all Gems,_ he grumbles in his head. A moment later, he catches himself. _No, she’s changed. She’s doing so much better. I know this. Why am I- stop being so hard on her. It’s not like you’re any better than her. You’re both sha-_

Spinel grabs his shoulders and excitedly announces the news. “White Diamond’s powers work in reverse now!”

And he knows he probably shouldn’t ask, but he can’t help himself.

Spinel eventually leaves after… whatever that little display was. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get the image of White dancing like that out of his mind. _Are you having fun?_ asks a sickeningly sweet voice inside him. _After what you did? Are you taking in the sights, watching White dance, having a ball? Do you really think you deserve that?_

He shakes his head to clear his thoughts. He needs to focus. He needs to get answers. White seems to agree, and she touches his gem while saying something – he doesn’t quite remember what – and there it is again: he’s tensing up. But this time, it’s accompanied with a quick flash of something. Anger? Resentment?

What on earth is he doing? He needs to focus! He needs answers, and he needs them now.

He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and allows himself to connect with White’s gem.

* * *

_Get away get away get away-_

He’s back in the greenhouse.

His feet carry him to his bed and he falls onto it face-down. He’s home. It’s fine. Everything that happened was out there, but here, he’s ok. He’s fine.

_I’m fine._

The call from Connie forces him to pull himself up onto his bed. _Reassure her. You’re fine. You can’t lose Connie. You almost did with the proposal and that was… I can’t even think about it. It’s fine. You’re fine. Don’t worry her for no reason._

He realizes he’s starting to fumble on his words and clumsily hangs up. _Great. Now you’ve worried Connie. You’re hurting Connie now, too._ That one thought echoes and grows and spirals until he has to bring his hands up to his head to prevent the thoughts from crashing out. _You’re hurting everyone._ _You hurt dad. You sha- you hurt Jasper. You hurt White._

A repetitive static sound draws his attention. _Is that the TV?_ He rushes to the monitor and turns it off, only to be confronted with the reflection of his neon pink, Diamond-pupil eyes.

_What?_

_No._

_No, no no nonono mom Rose then Pink now youDiamond you’re turninginto shatterer what have you done you’ve hurt themwhathaveyoudonewhathaveyoubecome_

Wait.

He’s on his bed.

This is Steven’s bed.

He is Steven. And Steven helps people.

Everyone loves Steven. Steven doesn’t hurt anyone. And he is Steven. So he couldn’t have hurt anyone.

Yeah… Yeah! That makes sense, doesn’t it? Steven’s always there to help. And people like Steven, and people need Steven. Steven is loved by all! He is Steven, and he is here on Steven’s bed, and Steven’s here to help!

Yeah! He’s fine! Steven’s fine! _I’m FINE!_

* * *

He brushes off Connie’s question as she shows him his projection on her phone. Doesn’t she know that he’s doing great? He’s fine! He just spent the entire day helping out in Little Homeschool. Would someone who _wasn’t_ fine have done that? He’s been through so much worse and made it out A-OK! Nothing bad is happening now, and he’s fine, so don’t worry!

But they seem worried regardless. Greg asks him if he knows that he can tell them _anything_ , and _that_ is enough to sour his great mood. _If only he knew_. _He doesn’t know what he’d be signing up for._ Steven is _fine._ There’s no point in thinking about what happened in the past. _I’m trying not to worry you, can’t you understand?_ But of course Greg can’t understand. None of them can understand. None of them know what he’s done. _None of them know what he’s done._

He should get out of here before he messes things up. Before they make him mess things up by making him think about things that would be better off forgotten.

But Pearl and Amethyst block the door and Garnet tells him to stop running. The thoughts quickly start threatening to overwhelm him again. _He had been doing just fine. Reassure them, make this go away. Make this go away!_

So he opens his mouth, and for the first time ever he starts actually talking about problematic incidents from the last few days. But only to stress that they’re not that problematic, because they aren’t! This happens to everyone, right? It’s fine – actually, it’s perfectly normal! Everyone has trashed their house before. Everyone has fought with their dad! Everyone has had a violent thought or two! Everyone has shattered someone!

He notices their faces moving in the wrong direction away from the reaction he’s going for, but it’s their chorus of shocked gasps that makes him pause. Connie stammers out a question: “You’re joking, right?” _Ah, she doesn’t understand! They’re just worried, but I fixed it! I made it ok! Everything was fine in the end! Everything is fine._

_Everything is…_

Wait.

He’d fixed it. He’d fixed… Jasper. After… shattering her. He’d shattered her. He’d _shattered_ someone. No one here had shattered anyone before. Not even mom. Even the Diamonds had stopped years ago. He was the only one.

He had… He had shattered her.

How could he have done this? How could he have shattered someone and gotten away with it for so long, facing no consequences whatsoever? Who did he think he was? Did he think he _helped_ people? He hadn’t helped _anyone_ for a while now. No… he had only been hurting people. He hurts people and gems, _that’s_ who he is. He hurt Jasper, and dad, and White, and Connie, and the gems, and _everyone_. He hurts everyone. He had clung to this belief that he was helpful and good, but that was a lie. He wasn’t just useless. He wasn’t just weak and pathetic.

He was bad.

_I’m bad._

He was a shatterer.

_I’m a shatterer._

He was a fraud.

_I’m a fraud._

_I’m a MONSTER-_


End file.
